black radical - winter sun, small miracles and A Very Simple Wish.
avoiding the hellscape of winter.
I do not know when
we shall laugh again
but next week
we will spade up another plot
for this spring’s seeding
-june jordan
I watched a Instagram reel the other day about what a menstrual cycle actually is beyond the pain, blood and insatiable hunger. The content creator mentioned that how you feel during menstruation (the bleeding part) is like a report card of how well you’ve treated yourself in your previous cycle (the non-bleeding but hormonally chaotic part). If you’ve done your best to, say, balance your hormones, and limit processed foods and caffeine and alcohol, you can build yourself up to a ‘pain-free’ menstruation. Oftentimes, menstrual health specialists and nutritionists state that PMS and period pain are normalised but not normal. Of course, seed-cycling, goji berries and collagen peptides won’t fix underlying issues but there are natural antidotes can be taken to eliminate rather than paper over some symptoms.
I was taken by the ‘report card’ analogy for cause and effect and applied it to my summer and my hopes for winter this year. Following the analogy, my summer was probably my calmest, ‘hormonally stable’ one. At the end of Spring, I’d promised myself that by the end of Summer, I’d keep myself well enough to remain open to and alive in the world and that I would deal with things rather than paper over them. Part of holding myself accountable was starting this Substack to make sure I was listening to and taking in culture and music, and the things I love. On top of that, I did three big things – a five-million-hour trek to the Isle of Eigg and back for my friend’s wedding, two weeks later my yearly jaunt to Green Man Festival for work and pleasure (my friend who got married, who evidently has a noble affinity for travelling really far, was there too.) and a short city break to Vienna with my boyfriend.
On the Eigg with Harriet
I used to crave the ‘hecticness’ of summer, but when I’m in a state of arousal I’m either fighting or flying. This summer though, I was able to actually experience these three things: the love I felt and tears I shed when watching my friend exchange rings with her husband was well worth it, despite the journey; I was left stranded in Crickhowell, Abergavenny but still made me chat with Darcus Beese at Green Man Festival (and got to have my yearly chat with some Green Man mainstays). Vienna was beautiful even if we spent what felt like a whole day on an Open Bus Tour that seemed to edge further and further out of the city.
Anna, the bride, at the festival.
And now it’s October, and I’ve come full cycle back to the bit that’s painful, bloated and full of shit: autumn and winter.
Strangely, it’s reading ok this time and I don’t feel that bad? Not perfect by any means. There were a few terrible days this summer when I was incapacitated, wanting to either be completely swallowed up and coddled by a dark cloud, or release myself from that cloud in the hardest and fastest way, without concern for a soft landing. I’m sure there's a horrible and sad diary entry in May, and I know for certain that there’s a recording of me crying and shouting at an NHS receptionist somewhere in the Cloud. But I’ve mostly held onto my sanity and had more days of calm and connectedness than I can ever remember having. I don’t take that for granted. And so, I’m not dreading the next six months like I usually do. It feels like a small miracle.
Ironically, I’m grateful that this relative sense of peace comes in a time when the world is falling apart by war, trauma, hate and genocide because I can be most present when I engage with it. Most people don’t know that my final essay at university was about Palestine and the culmination of a whole year of careful study. I never discuss it because I simply don’t remember that year despite that work — a brain fogged by the pollution of past traumas. Now, when I donate to Palestinian and Sudanese causes it’s with care and consideration, when I read reports and share my thoughts with people, it’s with intention and embeddedness. I guess I’m saying that I’m happy to be living and useful, in a tiny way.
Below are a few new discoveries that I saw, read and listened to that kept me thinking, motivated, inspired and alive this summer.
To Sing a Song for Palestine, June Jordan
Lonnie Holley exhibition at Camden Arts Gallery
Bill Evans, Waltz for Debby (1962)
Taken from: A Little Devil in America, Hanif Abdurraqib
Composer, Jeanne Lee
Walking Out Boundaries, Audre Lorde
n.b I’m the only person that can make sense of my scribbles
Monnette Sudler, Brighter Days for You (1977)
Paint Like I Am, Nikki Giovanni
Robert Aiki Aubrey Lowe at Supersonic Festival, Birmingham
Also, have a photo of Matana Roberts perfuming here but it’s too shit to share
A Very Simple Wish, Nikki Giovanni
